Overcoming Regret: My Journey to Resume Playing Violin Part I - College Admission Essay
According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of regret is to feel sad or sorry about something that you did or did not do. In high school, I quit the violin. This blog series is about my journey to resume playing. The first installment is my college admission essay, written in 2003.
I had been practicing the entire night, over and over again. My hands ached with pain from holding my instrument. Playing the violin, was second nature to me just two years ago, has now transformed into being extremely arduous. It was even a bit difficult for me to remember the names of the notes. The very next day I was going to have my seating audition in the orchestra. Being nervous about how terrible I might sound, I had devoted a great deal of time to practice during the past several weeks. When the time came for me to play my audition in front of the class, I was not as apprehensive as I expected I would be, but I was still feeling uneasy. My audition felt as though it ended in two seconds. After I finished playing, I could hardly remember how I had sounded. My performance could not have been too bad, because my orchestra teacher smiled and said "good job."
This reassured me that all of my effort must have paid off.
The violin was a way to express my character and feelings without words. When I began to play the violin in fourth grade I knew right from the start that I was going to stick with it. I loved playing, I played with a strong, loud sound. I felt the rhythm inside of me. It was effortless for me to focus on the notes. Being so absorbed in the music, I paid no attention to what was being done or even being said around me. Eventually, I signed up for private lessons, which gave me the individual attention that I needed to succeed. A few years passed, I began to emerge into a talented musician. I played with a loud, powerful sound that could take over a room. In seventh grade I was selected to be in the "advanced" orchestra with the eighth graders, which was a huge honor. Playing in concerts, competitions, and recitals, I started to accumulate numerous certificates and medals. I enjoyed the feeling of receiving awards for playing, it made me feel good that I was getting an award for something that I loved to do. Occasionally, I attended concerts of the local symphonies. Seeing these accomplished musicians perform, making a living playing their instrument, motivated me tremendously to continue playing. I thought perhaps, I too could one day be on stage with them.
I had been playing violin for six years, the thought of quitting never crossed my mind. It would not feel normal if I was not practicing, taking lessons, or performing. When I entered high school, I began to feel that my violin career was not as satisfying as it had been in the past. I dreaded practicing, and sometimes didn't practice at all. I told my parents that I wanted to quit. They did everything in their power trying to convince me to continue to play. Unfortunately, I was too immature to listen to their reasons and therefore made one of the most regrettable decisions in my life. If I had stuck with it, who knows how my music would sound now.
My senior year of high school I made the decision to play again. I put all of my determination to develop into the musician I once was. Although, it has been discouraging at times. Playing the violin will always represent my spirit of accomplishment. I look forward to performing my senior solo at the completion of this school year. That solo will be the reflection of how far I have come.
What I Learned from 13.1
This morning, I completed my first half marathon race. It was raining, muddy, and there were large, deep puddles every few feet on the C&O Canal. My shoes and socks were drenched. By mile 1, I felt like my feet were 10 pound weights. I thought about turning around and postponing my goal by just registering for another race on a different day.
Thankfully, by channeling the support of my family and friends as well as the energy of the other runners, I pushed myself to keep going. The instant gratification of getting dry and clean would mean I failed to complete a goal I worked so hard to achieve.
By mile 6, I was having a blast. I no longer tip toed around puddles or tried to avoid being splashed. I embraced the challenge. I focused on the tranquility of the Potomac River. I absorbed the beauty of the plush green trees. I jammed to the music blaring through my headphones. I simply had fun.
This experience taught me a valuable lesson:
“The only limits we have in life are the limits we impose on ourselves.” -Bob Proctor
Let’s keep pushing forward!
“Mere access to the courthouse doors does not by itself assure a proper functioning of the adversary process.” Unfortunately, I find myself needing to reflect on this profound quote by Thurgood Marshall more and more frequently.
During a traffic stop last June, a white Pittsburgh police officer shot and killed an unarmed black teenager as he ran with his back to the officer. A few weeks ago, the officer was acquitted of an open count of homicide which included murder or manslaughter.
Once again, the system has failed to hold a police officer accountable for slaughtering an unarmed black man. We cannot allow this to continue. We cannot become complacent as we watch our people drop like flies at the hands of the very force that is paid by our tax dollars to protect and serve. We cannot stop fighting for justice.
This weekend, I had the privilege of attending the American Bar Association Section of Civil Rights and Social Justice’s Spring Meeting in Baltimore. We had the honor to hear from many distinguished elected officials and thought leaders including Congressman Elijah E. Cummings (D - MD), Marilyn Mosby (State's Attorney for Baltimore City), Abdallah Lateef, Bobby Scott (D-VA), Caryn York, and many others. Each of these esteemed speakers had a distinct message that reinforced my passion to fight for those who need us most. State’s Attorney Mosby had a powerful call to action for the lawyers in the room – “What can we collectively do about it?” As I pondered this charge, three simple actions came to mind that all of us can take in the fight for justice.
1. Utilize the Power of Social Media
A key component to effectuating meaningful change is communicating calls for reform to the widest audience possible. Social media is a free, easily accessible platform that reaches persons all around the globe. After a police killing, we typically hear about the incident for a few days and around key milestones in any resulting legal proceeding. Shortly thereafter, the story fades away from news cycle. Utilizing social media can provide the means for continuous dialogue once mainstream media stops covering an issue.
2. Contact Your Local Government
As Thomas Jefferson once said, “The government closest to the people serves the people best.” In our current political climate, this cannot be underscored enough. There are a wealth of opportunities for citizens to engage with their local government. You can testify at a public hearing, write a letter to your representative, or attend a town hall.
Many of the laws and policies that are developed by our legislatures come directly from issues raised by the community. We therefore must invest time and energy to contact our local lawmakers so they are aware that we will not allow these outrageous actions by our police departments to go unnoticed.
Above all, make your voice heard by voting. There is nothing more important than voting in the fight for justice. If you do not vote, you silence your voice.
3. Volunteer in Your Community
Knowledge is power. When you know your rights, know how to influence your local government, and ultimately know your self-worth, you have the courage to demand change. The unfortunate reality is that too many people are not in a position to absorb necessary resources or develop personal relationships with positive role models. If we each dedicated just a small amount of time to volunteer in our community on a regular basis, it would make a world of a difference. There are countless ways to do so — check out your local youth groups, senior centers, or nonprofit organizations. Our communities need us.
According to a 2015 study, racial minorities made up about 37.4 percent of the general population in the United States, but they made up 62.7 percent of unarmed people killed by police. What can we do about it? We can require accountability and transparency by taking the actions described above so the senseless cycle of police killings does not repeat itself over and over again. We need to call for independent prosecutors, implicit bias and cultural awareness training for police departments, and improved police-community relations. Collectively, we must serve as the influencing voice in the fight for justice.
2018 CRSJ Fall Council Meeting
The American Bar Association's Section of Civil Rights and Social Justice's Fall meeting in Birmingham, Montgomery, and Selma, Alabama was an incredibly powerful experience that I will forever cherish. As an African-American woman lawyer, I was overjoyed to have the opportunity to gain first-hand knowledge of what my ancestors endured so that I could become who I am today. I continue to be inspired by the thoughtful leadership and vision of the ABA CRSJ Chair, Wilson Schooley and it was such a treat to have the illustrious ABA President-Elect Judy Perry Martinez join us for the meeting. I am honored to serve on the ABA CRSJ Council.
This article was originally published by the American Bar Association Section of Civil Rights and Social Justice.
The American Bar Association’s Section of Civil Rights and Social Justice is in a unique position to demand change. Its mission is to raise and address often complex and difficult civil rights and civil liberties issues in a changing and diverse society as well as ensure that protection of individual rights remains a focus of legal and policy decisions. It should therefore be our duty to require accountability and transparency on the part of our government so the senseless cycle of police killings does not repeat itself over and over again. We need to call for independent prosecutors, implicit bias and cultural awareness training for police departments, and improved police-community relations. If transformation will not come from our elected officials and others in power, we must serve as the influencing voice to advocate for justice.
There are more than one million lawyers in this country. Each of us are obligated to fight to ensure the protections afforded under the U.S. Constitution are applied fairly to all people. This includes protecting Blacks from the use of excessive force by police officers, who are paid by our tax dollars to protect and serve.
This article was originally published by the American Bar Association Section of Civil Rights and Social Justice.
Never Stop Fighting for Justice
Once again, another unarmed Black man was shot and killed by the police. His crime? Running away. As articulated by The Washington Post:
A Pennsylvania police officer’s fatal shooting of a 17-year-old who police said had fled a car that the officer had pulled over Tuesday night in East Pittsburgh is drawing wide outcry, as video circulated showing the teenager gunned down as he appeared to run with his back to the officer.
As I watched the video, it reminded me of a hunter killing his prey. Although you are not supposed to run from the police, doing so should not result in your demise. Blacks oftentimes run from the police because we are scared, terrified for our lives. Historically, the police have not been there to protect and serve our communities, but rather to control. Unfortunately, I am not surprised by the tragic events that happened in East Pittsburgh. The sad reality is that Black lives appear not to matter. This is evidenced by the routine killing of unarmed persons of color.
What will it take for it to stop? We need to demand accountability and transparency in all facets of our criminal justice system. Contact your legislators, volunteer in your community, and spread the word about your efforts to effectuate change. Above all, never stop fighting for justice.
Slavery ended in 1865. Perhaps the Federal Bureau of Prisons did not get the memo. Various BOP facilities have issued policies stating that, “books from a publisher, bookstore, book club, or friends and family will no longer be accepted through the mail.” Incarcerated persons at these federal facilities are now required to submit electronic requests to staff, specifying the book title, author, edition, and International Standard Book Number. They are charged the retail price plus a 30% markup in addition to shipping costs. Given that the vast majority of incarcerated persons and their families are experiencing poverty, very few can afford to take advantage of this outrageously burdensome process to simply obtain literature. These new policies are unconscionable.
I immediately thought of slavery and the ripple effects that led to America’s addiction to mass incarceration. The United States has only 5% of the world’s population, but is home to 25% of the world’s prison population. There are more than 2.2 million people incarcerated in the United States. 1 in 110 adults are incarcerated in a prison or local jail, and 1 in 35 adults are under some form of correctional control, counting prison, jail, parole, and probation. It is important to note that some of these people are innocent. Almost 2,000 wrongfully convicted people have been exonerated for crimes they did not commit. To me, these numbers are absolutely shocking and should not be tolerated.
Like slavery, incarceration is dehumanizing. In some places, once you are labeled a felon you cannot vote. You are denied access to employment, housing, education, public benefits, and jury service. You have been released from prison, but you are not free.
The District of Columbia no longer has a federal prison, so incarcerated residents are sent all across the country to serve their time. In the District, Blacks make up 86% of the jail population – but Blacks are less than half (47.7%) of the District’s total population. By contrast, whites make up only 4% of the District’s jail population, but are 44.6% of the District’s total population.
Being able to receive books and other literature while incarcerated tremendously increases the chances of success upon release. Why would the BOP take away the most powerful mechanism that can improve the lives of incarcerated persons? During slavery, it was a crime for slaves to read and write because it was feared they would become educated and rebel. It seems BOP needs a reminder that slavery is over.
Today, I was astounded to read that my law school, North Carolina Central University School of Law (NCCU), was found out of compliance with American Bar Association accreditation standards. According to an article in the ABA Journal, the accreditation committee found that NCCU, a historically black university (HBCU), is not in compliance with factors such as academic and admission test credentials, academic attrition and recent graduates’ bar passage rates.
The moment I set foot on the campus of NCCU, I felt at home. The extensive academic curriculum, credentialed faculty, and clinical opportunities made my law school experience invaluable. NCCU provides the opportunity for deserving Blacks to receive the legal education that they otherwise would not be afforded. As explained in the NCCU “Explanation of Transcript”:
We take pride in remaining true to our historic mission and to the principles upon which we were founded. We provide an opportunity for a legal education to one of the most diverse student bodies in the nation. We also provide an opportunity for a select few who, based upon traditional criteria and guidelines, might not otherwise be afforded the opportunity for a legal education but in whom we see great potential. Because our student population includes those in whom we have taken a calculated risk, we must be rigorous in our assessment of our students’ academic achievement and have adopted a policy that critically assesses their skills and knowledge. While this policy results in a high attrition rate for our first-year class, it ensures that students who continue have performed at a level that we have identified as necessary for future success. Students who do not maintain a 2.0 grade point average at the end of their first or second year are academically dismissed.
Today, The Washington Post reported findings from the Metropolitan Police Department’s Internal Affairs investigation of the fatal shooting of Terrence Sterling, an unarmed Black man who was operating a motorcycle at the time of the incident. The investigation found that the MPD officer who shot and killed Mr. Sterling had no reason to pull his gun and was not in danger when he fired, deeming the use of force unjustified. The Post explained:
The 34-page report also concluded that Sterling was trying to maneuver around the cruiser, not ram it. And investigators noted that Trainer told them that, other than Sterling’s reckless driving, he did not have any reason to think the motorcyclist may have been ‘armed and dangerous.’ Trainer’s decision to shoot ‘was not in defense of his life, nor was it in defense of the lives of others,’ according to the report.
Earlier this year, however, the U.S. Attorney’s Office declined to file criminal charges against the officer on the basis that that they did not find enough evidence to pursue a case.
As I have previously discussed, we need to hold our government accountable when tragedies such as this occur. We need to call for independent prosecutors, implicit bias and cultural awareness training for police departments, and improve police/community relations. We cannot stop fighting until we see measurable impact. If transformation will not come from our elected officials and others in power, we must serve as a strong voice to advocate for justice.
Today marks the first day of Kwanzaa, a week-long celebration of Black community and culture. The holiday is centered around seven principles: Umoja (unity), Kujichagulia (self-determination), Ujima (collective work and responsibility), Ujamaa (cooperative economics), Nia (purpose), Kuumba (creativity), and Imani (faith). You are encouraged to give from your heart, so Kwanzaa gifts are generally handmade. Collectively, the values of Kwanzaa represent my personal views of the holiday season. We should direct our attention to the importance of spending quality time with loved ones as opposed to spending tremendous amounts of money on expensive gifts.
Have you ever looked around a restaurant or even a party and noticed that almost all of the guests are glued to their phones? Studies show that one in four people spend more time socializing online than they do in person. Sometimes we just need to put the phone down. Creating space for quiet time allows us to simply be thankful for the people in our lives.
Recently, I came across an incredible resource, We Buy Black. This website is designed to serve as a marketplace for Black owned businesses to sell their products and services worldwide. We Buy Black embodies the seven principles of Kwanzaa. As articulated on its website, the Black dollar only circulates within the community for 6 hours. Blacks face the highest rates of unemployment, poverty, and incarceration. However, Black owned businesses employ more Blacks than anyone other than the government. So, when you spend your money this holiday season, buy Black. We must support our own in order to work towards eliminating the systemic issues faced by our community.
As we prepare to enter 2018, I challenge you to spend time on strengthening your relationships rather than spending your hard earned money on material things. I assure you, you will feel a renewed sense of gratitude and self-worth.
Photo Credit: www.kwanzaalights.com
“Mere access to the courthouse doors does not by itself assure a proper functioning of the adversary process.”
Recently news broke about Warren Demesme, a Black man, who told detectives, “…just give me a lawyer dog," but the police ignored his request. The Louisiana State Supreme Court found the defendant’s reference ‘ambiguous and did not constitute an invocation of counsel that warranted termination of the interview.’ This is simply unconscionable.
It is undisputed that Blacks are racially profiled and discriminated against consistently by law enforcement, due to implicit bias stemming from the horrendous history of this nation. Any police officer in this country therefore should know that in the Black community, the term ‘dog’ or ‘dawg’ refers to another human being.
This case illustrates the crucial need for all police departments to participate in comprehensive Cultural Awareness Training. Learning how to navigate across cultural lines would improve communications and allow for more dignified exchanges between the community and law enforcement, decreasing the probability that individuals’ rights will be violated. The protections we are afforded under the U.S. Constitution, especially the right to counsel, should be applied fairly to all people. Poverty, lack of education, and other social issues should not feed the pipeline to prison.
Earlier this week, Georgetown University released a report, African-American Employment, Population & Housing Trends in Washington, D.C. The key findings indicate African-Americans in the District of Columbia have experienced steady patterns of declining income gains, higher unemployment, and lower educational attainment than white residents. The report notes that by 2020, 50% of all new jobs will require at least a bachelor’s degree or above, and nearly 60% will require at least some form of education and training beyond high school. These requirements severely limit the ability of African-Americans to be competitive in the employment market. Further, 60,000 adult African-American D.C. residents have not finished high school, 50% have no formal education past high school (compared to 5% of white residents), and only 12.3% of African-Americans have a bachelor’s degree (compared to 37.1% of white residents). These statistics are devastating.
The constraints discussed in Georgetown University’s report impact the District’s returning citizen population, nearly all whom are African-American, in an even more detrimental way. Approximately 60,000 D.C. residents have a criminal record and each year, an estimated 8,000 residents return to the District after serving prison sentences.
I strongly believe returning citizen employment outcomes can be improved by beginning the job application process prior to release from incarceration. With a sufficient investment of resources, residents coming home could be contacted by a District government agency (or other affiliated organizations) while they are still incarcerated. Residents should be given the opportunity to complete an intake form that surveys their interests, educational level, and relevant skills. Having this information beforehand would accelerate the placement process. The agency/organization could contact potential employers so that meetings and interviews could be scheduled prior to release. Additionally, the agency/organization could send resources to residents that provide information about the interview process, such as resume formulation, practice interview questions, proper etiquette, and the like. All of this will build confidence and hope in the individual as well as increase the likelihood that they will follow through with the job application process. Coming home without a plan leads to unfavorable outcomes. Persons get frustrated with the system and often revert back to their previous behavior. Already having the job application process in play, and with the assistance of “Ban-the Box,” recidivism will be prevented and returning citizens will be kept on the path to success. Moreover, the D.C. Council passed the Incarceration to Incorporated Entrepreneurship Act of 2016, but it has not yet been funded. Fully investing in this initiative would most certainly assist with creating essential opportunities for our returning citizens.
Earlier today, news broke that Dove posted a racially insensitive advertisement on Facebook. The ad appears to depict a Black woman who turns white after using the Dove product. It conveys the faulty message that white is clean and black is dirty. This is not the first time Dove has been scrutinized for publishing racially insensitive advertisements. In an ad with before and after pictures, they showed an array of women and signified the white woman as the desired result. Even worse, the company sold a lotion that had the label “for normal to dark skin,” indicating that dark skin is not normal. Unfortunately, these types of messages in advertising are not new. Blacks have been the subject of racist soap advertisements dating as far back as the 1700s.
As a Black woman, I am outraged by what I saw today. The reckless disregard of vetting ads for racially offensive content time and time again is simply unacceptable, especially during a period where our country is the most divided it has been in recent memory. By neglecting to do so, Dove has established a pattern and practice that should not be overlooked. We must demand answers to why these types of ads would make it past top level executives. This therefore speaks to a larger issue of the lack of Black women in corporate leadership. There needs to be more people of color at the top who are empowered to chime in when questionable acts are being contemplated. It is undeniable that racial diversity allows for a variety of innovative ideas leading to more equitable outcomes. Unless we make our voices heard and demand accountability, these despicable acts will continue.
No Vote. No Voice.
United We Stand
Over the weekend and during Monday Night Football, millions of people from all around the globe watched a beautiful thing: unity in the fight for justice. The National Football League came together to take a stand against police brutality and racial injustice in America, by kneeling and locking arms during the singing of the National Anthem. Even the Baltimore Ravens and Jacksonville Jaguars, who were playing in London on Sunday, demonstrated their support. These historic acts by the courageous players of the NFL signals a giant step forward in our fight for equality.
No vote. No voice.
There is nothing more important than voting in the fight to effectuate change. I have heard people say, "What is the point of voting? My vote does not count anyway." This could not be further from the truth. If you do not vote, you silence your voice. By not voting your address is in jeopardy of being removed from the voter rolls. You will therefore not receive bulletins about debates or other information about how to become involved in the political process. Generally, candidates running for elected office work unbelievably hard to raise money to run their campaigns. These candidates do not have the incentive to use their limited funds to engage persons who do not vote and they will instead focus on persons who do. As Thomas Jefferson said, “The government closest to the people serves the people best.” The reality is if you do not exercise the privilege of voting, you will not have the ability to make your voice heard.
Today is National Voter Registration Day. If you are not registered to vote, there is no better day than today to do so. Tell everyone you know to register to vote as well and create a plan to get out to the polls on Election Day. We owe it to ourselves and our ancestors who put their lives on the line to fight for our right to vote. Use the inspiration of the NFL to fuel you to take action.
What is the Solution?
African Americans are racially profiled and discriminated against consistently by law enforcement, due to implicit bias stemming from the horrendous history of this nation. I am outraged that yet again another police officer has been acquitted for murdering one of our people. I am sick and tired of this cycle repeating itself over and over without requiring accountability and transparency on the part of our government, which is paid by our tax dollars to protect and serve.
“I feared for my life.” These five words are regularly used by police officers as a defense. Fear is defined as “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” The countless police killings in recent years prove that the law does not protect African Americans. These instances are teaching us that if you are African American, you are a threat and therefore free game to be killed. The reality is, African Americans are the ones who are in constant fear for their lives. For example, if I am driving and see a police officer behind me, my stomach flips. I get nervous and shaky. I am worried that I will be pulled over for no valid reason and endure unnecessary emotional stress during the encounter. It does not matter that I am an attorney and know my rights. All it comes down to is that I am African American and perceived as dangerous.
When I was learning to drive, the first thing my mother told me was if I ever got pulled over, to keep my hands on the steering wheel at “10 and 2” where the officer could see them. If I did not have a chance to get my license and registration out prior to the officer coming to my window, I was to ask for permission to remove it from the glove compartment. I am certain my friends in white households were not taught the same.
I refuse to sit idle and watch another tragic incident occur. We must demand change. We cannot stop fighting until we see measurable impact. If transformation will not come from our elected officials and others in power, we must serve as the influencing voice to advocate for justice. But what is the solution?
Melanie Elizabeth Bates is an attorney and consultant based in Washington, D.C. The views expressed here are her own.